surfing across the dialogue

Hopefully, we’ve all had those transformational relationships where a casual acquaintance has blossomed into something uniquely intimate. That other person sees us clearly and deeply, and we see them. 

We see each other’s weaknesses and flaws but do not dismiss each other because of them. We see each other’s greatness, but we don’t lose ourselves fawning over them. We see each other without makeup. We do not indict each other; we do not exonerate each other; we accept each other.

Our Full Selves are in communion with one another.

We loved this image because it conveys how great dialogue can make us feel:

• We are lifted up by others

• We are moving into an unknown of promise and possibility

• We are not entirely in control, there’s a risk to it

The essence of We-Centeredness, however, is recognizing that our role in the dialogue is complex and not ours to unilaterally declare:

• Sometimes, we are the crowd surfer, riding on the goodwill of the many

• More often, we will be part of the crowd that lifts them up

• We might also just be the person who takes the picture

Unlike so many examples when you do an image search for “dialogue,” it is not binary, the “di” notwithstanding. It’s not two people looking soulfully at each other over coffee cups. Dialogue isn’t always like that. It’s often messy, candid, and blurry. 

You don’t always know dialogue is happening when it does. Sometimes you realize it after. “That was real dialogue,” you may think—not because of what was discussed, but because of how it made you feel.

In the crowd surfing image, you can see people in the crowd directly holding up the surfer, but there are also those people around the surfing, just being positive and supportive and not getting in the way. This moment is happening in these people’s lives, not just because of those creating it, but also those nearby creating space for it.

As we become better contributors to shared understanding, we discover that sometimes what we contribute is silence or space. It takes a lot of maturing before some of us recognize that not every conversation we’re a part of centers on us. We learn to be benignly adjacent, supporting by giving focus.

As this is the “We… Pull In” quadrant, we must recognize that our role in the “we…” may not be central. We may not have a “starring role.” This quadrant comes with the opportunity to learn that “we” won’t always be all about “us.” 

getting vulnerable first

This quote, attributed to Dr. Joyce Brothers, inspires us to Accept, Adapt, Affect:

“Love comes when manipulation stops; when you think more about the other person than about [their] reactions to you. When you dare to reveal yourself fully. When you dare to be vulnerable.”

This is why we say that one cannot fully enter the lower quadrants--the “We” quadrants--without willing partners. Imagine dragging someone against their will into a loving conversation. As they resist, you calmly explain that you’re doing it because you want to have a healthy dialogue. Bad idea. Right?

The engine of Accept, Accept, Affect runs on authenticity and transparency. I act without ulterior motive and show you exactly what I’m up to. That’s why it’s so hard to achieve a true Quadrant A experience, especially in our work lives. It requires us to care more about the other person, than about them reacting to us in a way we like.

Failing that, to even approach Quadrant A, we must bring candor and honesty. We must step out and risk. There’s no way to have every member of a conversation jump into Quadrant A at the exact same moment.

Someone has to open the door and step inside first, knowing that it leaves themselves exposed, knowing that their back is uncovered. Maybe the person behind you decides to “have to your back.” Or maybe they decide to thrust a knife in it. If you spend all your time just trying not to get stabbed in the back, then you will never find your way to Quadrant A. Someone has to reveal themselves when the conditions are not yet perfect.

This is not to say it isn’t savvy to circle Quadrant A and keep circling as the concerned parties continue to demonstrate trustworthiness and goodwill. No one expects you to turn you back on someone when you have no reasonable expectation of safety. However, at some point, someone will have to put themselves in a position of relative weakness. Someone will have to go first in their abandonment of the 1000 little manipulations we transact in every conversation. Only then can others truly follow.

Accept, Adapt, Affect is about making a habit of going first. Model engaging in Full Self Talk so others can follow. We must abandon manipulation, even the little benign ones we often use to lubricate social interactions. This is hard for many of us because it means releasing control. We must even release the desire to control or even predict the reactions of others. That is when we can truly be in the moment with someone else. Otherwise, we’re just lying to ourselves, attempting to engage with the sanitized versions of people. Those are the versions we create in our heads to make ourselves more comfortable. Let go of your need to be liked—or whatever you’re trying to get out of the person because of how it makes you feel. Create space for the other person to be their Full Selves, their true, authentic, imperfect, unpalatable selves. And share your Full Self to show the way.

the love underneath trust

There’s one word that Dr. Brothers uses that I haven’t mentioned yet:

Love 

The word carries a huge charge for a lot of people.

In improv, the word gets used often. Improvisers who talk about a theater or an ensemble or maybe just one particular show and they’ll say things like:

“The love was there.”

“I was feeling the love.”

Or, “I just wasn’t feeling the love.”

For our purposes, think of the “love” in Brothers’ quote that way. Because many of us will not be able to use the term “love” in a lot of professional contexts where we’ll still want to create an authentic Quadrant A experience. 

Though, if you’re not regularly in Quadrant A with your loved ones, that may be worth “Paying Attention” to.

When it comes to love, we want, at the very least, that shared sense of welcoming, belonging, receptiveness, and positivity. Every party to the Quadrant A experience should feel that their presence is invited, witnessed, and appreciated.

No matter how difficult the subject or how contradictory the interests, there has to be that joy, that sense of: “I am glad we get to be with each other in this space.”

Only then can we truly Accept, Adapt, Affect–when we feel and intend “the love.”

accepting, adapting, and affecting as daily practice

Quadrant A’s mantra of Accept, Adapt, Affect reminds us to bring our Full Selves to dialogue.

Like all our quadrant names, these three words can also be a mantra.

But they can also be a quick personal check-in. Just turn the comma after each word into a question mark:

• Accepting? Am I open? Am I creating space in myself to hear someone else’s perspective?

• Adapting? Am I flexible? Is it even possible for me to change in response to this dialogue?

• Affecting? Am I engaged? Am I prepared to be vulnerable, to respond authentically?

Notice the opportunity to return to this mantra at every point throughout any challenging dialogue. Things will get said where you’ll jump. You’ll have those knee-jerk reactions that jeopardize the sense of safety in the conversation.

You’ll say something that will hurt others, and you’ll want to defend yourself. You’ll say things like, “well I’m sorry if that’s how you interpreted it, but actually…”

And you’ll have to stop.

You’ll have to challenge yourself: Am I accepting? Am I adapting? Am I affecting? Or am I hiding in performative, self-protective shadows of those?

• Am I slipping back into manipulation?

• Am I just saying what feels like it will smooth things over?

• Am I bearing my soul or covering my… flank?

All true human connections begin with someone stepping into Accept, Adapt, Affect and others joining them. Habitually Accepting, Adapting, and Affecting creates transformed relationships.

how accepting, adapting, and affecting fits into the play polarities™️

It’s important to remember that this is still a We-Centered practice, even when the object of our attention is outside ourselves. Sometimes we’ll talk about this as I-Decentered because that’s really our journey to this quadrant: to Decenter Self.

Otherwise, you’re just in a very well-meaning and consultative version of Pay Attention, and that’s not dialogue. In fact, it is you treating the other person as less fully human than yourself. (1)

We’re just beginning our We-Centeredness though, so, we begin with Pulling Inward. Here, we are intentionally and specifically pulling in from one another. Hopefully, in doing so, we pull each other together.

Each participant pulls into themselves that which they could only get through a naked confrontation of Full Selves. 

This is almost impossible to make happen without addressing the statuses of the participants and the power dynamics and disparities among them. Otherwise, the confrontation will not be an authentic one. We often use the term confrontation because it highlights what makes a Quadrant A dialogue so important: something is going to change. If it’s Quadrant A, the question isn’t “will anything change?” It’s, “will the right things change in the right ways?” Anyone can have a conversation. Anyone can talk about the weather. True dialogue demands more.

In improv, that kind of exhausting listening I talked about in Section 10 is so important here. Accept, Adapt, Affect is a very particular kind of listening which enables particular kinds of “questioning and challenging.” It makes all the difference.

In the case of the PLAY Polarities, we would take the relationship and the intimacy we create in Accept, Adapt, Affect, and use it to move as one well-coordinated body of Full Selves. When that body moves to act, we collectively step into Quadrant Y, with Yes And.

Notes

1. As the philosopher Martin Buber might suggest, you may tell yourself you’re in an “I-You” conversation, where the humanity of both parties is being honored. Unfortunately, what you’re really in is an “I-It” conversation, where you are treating the other person merely as a reflection of your humanity, and not a fully-fledged person on their own.
   Buber, M. (1996). I and thou. (W. A. Kaufmann, Trans.) United Kingdom: Free Press.