Resource Roundup: Giving and Taking
Resource Roundups are small collections of books, articles, podcasts, videos, etc. that inform a timely leadership challenge for managers. Along the way, I’ll add something from the world of improv to inspire the conversation. Full Disclosure: Some links in this article are affiliate links by which PLAY Polarities may financially benefit from your purchase.
Improv Inspiration: Give and Take Walk
“Walk around the room. Now, freeze. Be perfectly still. When I say ‘go,’ one of you will start moving. At some point, that person will stop, and someone else will immediately begin moving. Make the transitions seamless. We never want two people moving. But we also never want to have no one moving at all. Give and take. Go.”
During my earliest improv classes at theaters like iO and The Second City, the above instruction from a teacher would mean one of two things:
It was time to work on a fundamental skill for improvisers: creating space for others and then boldly taking space for yourself, or…
The teacher forgot to prep and was madly scribbling down a lesson plan while the class was distracted.
Regardless of motive, “Give and Take Walk” teaches a skill necessary for any improv show, networking event, or boardroom: knowing when to invite others into the spotlight and when to take it for yourself.
This Resource Roundup includes sources on relationship-building, delegation, and organizational culture that all inform “Giving and Taking.” In the PLAY Polarities Model of Co-Human Excellence, these resources speak to the polarity of “I…” and “We…”
“If you wake up deciding what you want to give versus what you’re going to get, you become a more successful person. In other words, if you want to make money, you have to help someone else make money.”
Resource 1: The Go-Giver
Everyone seems to have read this book! I just listened to it on Audible over a series of dishwashing sessions. The concept of “getting by giving” may seem a little worn, but the novella-style audiobook is worth playing for some pretty good nuggets on the power of considering others’ needs first. Also, the authors have built an empire on these concepts since they launched in 2007, so definitely read this work if you’re in sales, management, or — well — sales management.
“Nuggets, please…”
In the story, our everyman Joe learns the following five laws on being a “Go-Giver” from his personal Obi-Wan named Pindar.
The Law of Value: Your true worth is based on how much more you give in value than you take in payment. Don’t try to squeeze others to provide value first. Do what you can to help. It will come back to you.
The Law of Compensation: Your income reflects how many people you serve and how well you serve them. They’re pretty fair about this, acknowledging that it would be nice if those that did selfless work for small groups of people got paid as well as CEOs. But, to make more money, your impact has to be positively felt by more people. Scale is scale.
The Law of Influence: The more you put others’ interests first, the more they’ll be interested in you. This may feel really transactional, but ignore it at your peril. There are only so many times people will come to your party if you never go to theirs.
The Law of Authenticity: The most valuable gift you have to offer is yourself. This reminds me of one of my favorite lines from The West Wing: “Don’t talk to me like I’m other people.” The Go-Giver model is about leveraging mutually valuable relationships. That doesn’t work if people don’t think you’re being real with them.
The Law of Receptivity: While you’re doing all this giving, don’t forget to make yourself available to receive. Don’t think of this in terms like The Secret, where you sit in your room and try to “manifest.“ This is about making sure people know what you’re looking for in life and what help you’re interested in.
Resource 2: Who's Got the Monkey?
Consider this the counterpoint to The Go-Giver: a 1999 article from the Harvard Business Review that is a must-read for people pleasers! Management Time: Who’s Got the Monkey? advises managers on supporting their direct reports (in the article, “subordinates”) without doing their work for them. Frankly, I would skip to the “Getting Rid of Monkeys” section and read from there. The language smacks a little of Theory X, but the perspective is a refreshing reminder of the importance of boundaries. You don’t help people grow by doing their work for them. (I personally find the term “monkey” a little yikes, so I use “monster” in the nuggets below.)
“Nuggets, please…”
Simply put, a “monster” is a problem, but what’s important is that it’s your direct report’s problem, not yours. Let’s say one of your people asks you for help with their monster. This article is about how to deal with that request well. Monsters are great climbers. If you’re not careful, they’ll climb right off your direct report’s back and onto yours. Here’s what to do about it. (The article itself reflects a rigidity and power distance better suited to 24 years ago than today, so I’m editorializing here a little.)
Get to the “monster-shaped” part of the problem. All employees have tasks; some of those become problems from time to time. Ask what specifically about the problem makes them feel like they need your help. Properties of an actual monster: the problem does require your insight or help, but that help cannot be provided in five minutes of quick conversation. If that’s true…
Set expectations: the employee still owns the monster. Be clear that you are supporting the employee, but they are still responsible for the work product. Furthermore, they are responsible for ensuring they get what they need from you. You won’t chase them, and any hard deadlines will not be softened just because they asked for help. See the article’s section on “Transferring the Initiative” for more.
Set a specific time for the employee and you to “feed the monster.” The authors suggest a face-to-face meeting with a tightly-focused agenda. Avoid sending the signal that talking about problems is an excuse for long leisurely chats and commiseration. Remember: your long-term goal is to develop the employee into someone who handles their own monsters. Schedule a quick meeting. Figure out the next steps, and then it’s the employee’s job to do them. Do not do any step the employee can do for themselves.
Agree to specific follow-up. Monsters are wily! If you start to feed them, you need to know the employee will follow through. Otherwise, the monster may escape (the task never gets done) or hops over to your back (the employee abdicates responsibility and you start picking up the pieces out of habit). So, don’t end the meeting mentioned in step 3 without agreeing to a schedule for the employee to communicate progress on your agreed-upon approach.
Resource 3: Why Good Leaders Make You Feel Safe
If The Go-Giver says, “give more than you take,” and Who’s Got the Monkey? says, “don’t let employees take more than necessary,” what is a manager supposed to do? How do you support your people without ending up personally overwhelmed? In this video, Simon Sinek says to make your people feel safe:
“Nuggets, please…”
In this TED Talk, Simon Sinek explains that the best results require the trust and cooperation of those involved. But it’s not that simple; leaders can’t just order or train these qualities. These qualities require an environment where workers naturally trust and cooperate, believing that others would do the same for them.
That’s where good leaders come in. Leaders must provide a sense of safety in the organization. When workers feel that leaders will protect them, even in tough times, those workers start committing themselves to each other.
“When a leader makes the choice to put the safety and lives of the people inside the organization first, to sacrifice their comforts and sacrifice the tangible results, so that the people remain and feel safe and feel that they belong, remarkable things happen.”
Conclusion: How Good Managers Give and Take
In this Resource Roundup, we’ve looked at a best-selling book, a classic HBR article, and a globally popular TED Talk to better understand this polarity of giving to others and receiving for oneself.
Meanwhile, we took inspiration from the improv exercise, Give and Take Walk. I remember my early experiences playing that game with some dread. I’m standing in the corner of some improv classroom, trying to be as still as possible. Nevertheless, I’m darting my eyes around, hoping to see the “mover” approach so I can “take” and finally leave this awkward, uncomfortable tableau. Like many of us in life, I try to be the good “giver” that the game demands, but I spend all my time waiting for the chance to take.
Early in my comedy career, when I was learning games like Give and Take Walk, I paid the bills with a string of management roles across different downtown cafes. To me, they were just “day jobs.” I tried to be nice to my staff, but I didn’t take seriously that the future and safety of those people were my responsibility.
So once again, in my days as a business person and my evenings as an improviser, I was missing the same point: take as necessary but focus on giving first. In Give and Take walk, I resented all the time I spent in silent obscurity waiting to be the focus of attention — to take! In managing, I tired of all the tedium that made for a well-run business — the quiet, routine “giving” that provides the organization and its people with stability and safety. What I could have learned from SImon Sinek back then!
With these influences in mind, I offer the following reflections for managers:
Before giving anything else, give safety. And if you can’t give safety, give loyalty. Give it in deed, not word. If you lack authority company and can’t give as much safety as you want, don’t promise what you can’t provide. Just have their backs. Do right by those who do right. But remember, “do right” doesn’t mean “your close friends.” Don’t trade your integrity for favoritism. Do Right.
Give to provide value to others, not to reap gratitude and admiration. The power of a gift is in how you “we-center,” changing your perspective from what is good for you — “I-centered” — to what is truly good for all concerned.
Only give in ways that ennoble others and yourself. If an employee asks for a 3-day extension on a deadline and has no good reason for needing it, think twice. Are you really helping them by letting them off the hook? Or are you incentivizing poor work habits and a lax character? Worse yet, are you really just letting yourself off the hook from the discomfort of disciplining someone?
Let others know clearly how they can help you. People of good character want to return the help they receive. Don’t make them read your mind. Be intentional about what you want to accomplish so others who appreciate you can conspire in your favor.
Thanks for reading our Resource RoundUp! Could your team of managers benefit from ideas like this? Consider our Big90 Group Coaching program, and contact me so I can learn more about your organization and provide what help I can! -Thanks, Matt